I'm tumbling down the rabbit hole.
I've never been so depressed in my life before... it's a struggle, every single day... not by my superiors, not by my colleagues but by myself. I have a target to hit, a certain figure that I must achieve every month... but the most brutal taskmaster is myself..
I postponed all appointments, schedules, invitations.. so that I could finally be alone by myself to think for the first time in weeks...
- what is happening to me?
I really don't know what is happening... my mind is in a constant compressed state of stress and agitation, I just feel so lethargic and unmotivated that I could cry.. how far have I fallen from my previously cheerful state?
Is this the life which I want?
The sky is getting dark as I write this post, and I'm all alone in my house... More then one person has said that it is my attitude, that I need to change my attitude... I need to look on the bright side, that I have a job, I have an environment to work in that is relatively conducive.
Only catch is, you are your own taskmaster.
Then, what is the job I think suits me best? I'm tired, so tired of being in places where I can't see the future or a future inside it...
I want to genuinely help people, and where people will appreciate the help
I want to have an organized, standardized working time
I want to work hard, and know that people around me know I'm a hard worker.
I want to be in a supportive working environment
I want to specialize at something, and excel in it to the point of almost perfection.
I want to be indispensable in an organization
I want to be a Christian on my job.
I don't want to have to worry about my next rice bowl or roof over my head
I don't want to constantly be worrying about whether there will be business tomorrow or the day after
I don't want to feel so alone in everything I do
Every night when I pray I cry.. it hurts so much and I don't know why...
I even think I might be suffering from clinical depression... I even feel suicidal at times.
My mind is constantly hazy and my brain keeps thumbing me down at everything....
I need help.
='(
3 comments:
Andrew cheer up... didn't know your blog is still around :)
Being a teacher seems to fit very well your description of a dreamed job. Only you can figure out your gifts and passions. Go after what makes you come alive, not what gives you a living without life. Don't let external expectations or the fear of failure define your path. Success is hidden in the journey, not the destination.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcMyX5R4dzs
You must see and appreciate the beauty that is your life, you may think there is nothing but inside of you there is everything, limitless potential. Please know you can do anything you set your mind to, you are indeed your own taskmaster so take control. Persist and you will find happiness.
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